I started first grade today.
I know, I just started kindergarten a few weeks ago. But I'm done with that. I'm outta there.
The school decided that I was too advanced to be in kindergarten. I mean, I'm already reading and they're just learning the alphabet. Maybe the teachers read my blog and knew about all this smart stuff.
Or maybe it was that letter I wrote the school counselor:
"Dear Mr. Seward. I’ve been feeling a little green today – a little funny inside as I met you. I like you no doubt, but getting to know you was a little…well, you know um…you know…funny for me. I’d say I’m half green and half blue. I knew I wasn’t shy, but I couldn’t be sure what kind of feeling I was. I look forward to speaking with you."
Anyway, I may only be 5 and three-quarters, but I am a first grader. And I like my teacher and my new class and best of all they give you stickers if you are good. I also like being with other kids who can read. I even got math homework.
I wonder how long it will take me to get to second grade.

Here's another of my famous e-mails. I say what's on my mind!
dear aunt jennifer,the moment i saw the pictures of tristan and his frends,i figured that one of them is jack becase of the look of 'em. i love the one of them when the waves crash upon the rock they look like they are hunting for seaweed on. and i love the bathing suits. oh yes. and there's one more thing i love - you. i like when you go swiming with me. i love it when you bild sandcasles with me. i love helping you. i love it when you make cloe do tricks.and i like showing you things i can do.but of all those things what i like best is you by your self. how come tristan likes to play that tv mini game so offin? that's allmost all and i mean all i saw him do on the week of our latist vaciton.even before his bedtime! hope you have a great day. love, abby

My Sister

the good part of having a baby sister is:i love her. when i see her smile, she looks 52% cuter than the rose. on walks, i like pushing her in the stroller.when mommy takes over, i love going in front to make laurie laugh.that's my laurie walk job - entertaining her. i love watching her when is busy with something else. the only bad thing about her is: SHE'S DESTRUCT-O BABY, laurie. i hate when she's that to herself.and i do not like it when she pulls my hair ow.ow.owchy owch owch! just thinking about it gives me a headache.

Just got back from summering in Malibu. I worked on my swimming and my tan. Also went to the playground and had grilled cheese at my favorite cafe. (Don't tell anyone, but I also went to McDonald's.)
Didn't see any movie stars. Only a cousin playing video games and a sister who got people to clap every time she took a few steps.
I have been getting requests for some of my famous e-mails. Here are two of the latest:

i've looked at this E-mail so many times,that i've forgot about everything else on my E-mail website. actually,that means on my whole computer, case the only website i've been to is yahoo.com and i allways go to my inbox and i allways say to my self,"hmmmmmmm.......wich E-mail shod i look at? i know. i will look at re: from abby case it's the only E-mail i have from aunt barbara." and today,i decided to do a re, case i've looked at it so many times, that i can not let you think i didn't get you're E-mail, or something like that. so here's a little something to let you know i did. i can't wait till you come up with the next E-MAIL, SO IT CAN BE SENT BACK! love,abby.

dear judy and dan, i am sorry i haven't E-mailed you sooner, but the power just went out 6 days ago and no computer for 5 days! +, these 2 days i haven't been very bisy with yahoo. i don't chek my inbox very often. incase you want to read a joke you've never read before so it will be a surpise andsir, i'll tell you how you can. read the joke on my E-mail. joke: Q:WHEN IS THE BEST TIME TO HAVE ICE CREAM? A: SUNDAY! get it? a ice cream sundae? what are you doing recently? can't wait. love, abby. ps the mane reason i sent this E-mail is that i love doing reaplays.

Yay! They finally stopped the oil spill. I watched it on TV. Seems like it took forever. That's good, because I was getting tired of those pictures of the oil going into the water. How do they get oil out of the water, anyway? It's messier than a muddy sandbox. I hope they can clean it up.
Today was also an important day because Laurie took two steps. She is almost walking. But everyone made such a big deal out of it. I mean, all she does is fall down at the end.

I want to know more about the oil spill. I want to read a magazine article called "What the Spill Will Kill." Why can't they just clean up the oil? I saw some machine vacuuming it up on TV. Why are they getting oil in the middle of the ocean? Can't they put it in a giant container? I heard this means people won't go swimming at the beach. Maybe they could just take a shower afterward. It's all very confusing. Even the grown-ups can't explain it very well.
Besides, I've got my own problems. My sister fell out of her crib today. Destructo-Baby is starting to destroy herself.

I met Joe Biden today. He's the vice president of something or other. I heard he knows Obama.
Joe was funny, though, when we had our picture taken. He asked me if I was 16. Then he said I couldn't have a boyfriend or go on a date until I was 30. What's a date?
I met some guy named Rahm who everyone said was important, but he just looked like another boring grownup. And everyone fussed over Laurie. What's so great about a baby, anyway?
Joe had a big party at his house. His house is huge and has a lot of old paintings and stuff. They had hot dogs and cookies and ice cream and a cool magician under this tent in the backyard. Maybe he'll invite me back next year, since I didn't throw up.

I just broke some White House gossip. Not bad for a 5-year-old.
No one else has my scoop, that an important person who works for Barack Obama is going to leave.
I can't reveal my source, but you probably don't know Theo. In my class. His mom works for the White House. That's all I'm saying.
I saw a guy on TV talking about the Worst Person in the World. Who is he? Why does he get to decide? Are these bad people?
Haven't been blogging much because I've been writing books. A Day at the Zoo. Princess Magic. Robot Vacation. At first I charged one dollar but now I'm up to two dollars. No one's paying me to write these items. I guess you've got to go where the money is. At least until I save up for the Snoopy video I want.
P.S. - I spent a lot of time now making sure my sister doesn't get into trouble. Maybe you've heard of her. She is Destructo-baby.

Psst! I know I haven't been blogging, but there's a reason.
I had my computer privileges taken away for a month! Can you believe it? For not listening. Not exactly something terrible.
They don't know I'm on here right now. I had to sneak--oops.
Gotta go!

All this snow! There were huge piles of it in front of my house. I'm so sad I missed it. I was in California, going to the beach and looking at the palm trees. Think of all the snowmen I could have built. The snow in Washington was the biggest one since I was born, and maybe for a hundred million thousand years.
I did like one thing about our trip. I got to order Mickey Mouse movies on our TV in the hotel by pressing the right buttons. My parents were upset when they found out. They said this cost them money. I said it was an accident. Hahaha.
I still don't understand how someone on TV can take money out of their wallet.

I don't watch Nick Jr. any more when I get up. I watch Morning Joe. I even know who Joe is.
The other day he had a headline that said "You Are the Daddy." There was a picture of a guy named John Edwards holding a baby. I didn't get it. Why wouldn't he be the daddy? Does he go around holding other people's babies?
Well, the tooth fairy came and left a dollar under my pillow. I took it to show and tell. But I was thinking: is the tooth fairy real? What if I lost two teef -- sorry, teeth -- would the fairy need another set of wings? I'm not sure about this one.

Everyone on TV is talking about Martha Coakley losing and what a bad candidate she was. Martha who? How can there be an election in the middle of January?
Much bigger news: I lost my first tooth today. It just popped out when I was eating a chocolate chip cookie. I was so excited I called everyone. Then I put it under my pillow so the tooth fairy will come.
Wait a minute: Is the tooth fairy real? What if you lose two teeth? Then she would have to have to sets of wings. I'm not sure I'm buying this. We'll see if I get any money or not.

Happy New Year to all my readers. I made it to a new decade.
They wouldn't let me stay up until midnight, though. Robbed again. I should have hidden my pacifier and stayed up anyway.
It may be 2010 but I keep seeing old stuff on TV. I just watched the most amazing cartoon. A cat chases a mouse everywhere! But his inventions to catch the mouse never work. It's called Tom and Jerry.
I also watched an old show on You Tube. My dad said he remembered it. It was called Howdy Doody. A bunch of kids sang the song. I liked the clown who talked at the end. TV sure was silly then.
P.S. - I have decided to teach Laurie to talk. I was trying to communicate with her today until my parents interrupted. That just means her lessons are going to take longer.

Tiger Woods is on TV all the time. How'd he get that name, Tiger? I don't like golf. Too boring. Every time Tiger is on they show pictures of women. Lots of women. They all look the same. They're not wearing too many clothes. Are they too poor to buy them? What is a mistress, anyway?
When I'm not watching Tiger, I'm watching Laurie. She doesn't cry as much, and sometimes she smiles at me. But she still doesn't talk, or do much of anything. She's as boring as watching golf.

Abby Does 1600 Pennsylvania

Abby the Babyblogger went to the White House today.
It took me years of blogging to get to the point where I could get invited. But I still didn't get enough attention. President Obama didn't say hello to my class. We didn't even get to see Bo the dog.
I saw the Red Room, the Blue Room and the Green Room. I liked the red best of all. I sat in one of the old red chairs. I also saw the giant Christmas tree. There was a paper tree, and we all got to write little messages and put them in.
Now that the White House knows about my blog, I hope Obama will invite me for lunch one day like he does with some of the newspaper people. I hope they serve juiceboxes, though.

I wonder if my parents will get a refund for those Baby Einstein videos they bought. You can get your money back if your kid isn't a genius. I knew that was silly. I liked the music, though.
Did you know I'm now one of the bad guys? See, originally I was one of the good guys at school, and the bad guys used to chase me. I didn't like that. I didn't even like going to school. But now I'm a bad guy and I chase other people. It's much more fun. The teachers don't like our game but we do it anyway. The other day I was nice to one of the boys we chase. If he trusts me, he'll be much easier to catch. My parents thought this was strange. What's their problem?

You know this silly balloon story? I knew that boy wasn't in the balloon. I'm almost the same age and I wouldn't climb into some humongous balloon. Too scary!
Is Falcon going to be famous now? I want to be on TV too. Maybe I need a more unusual name. Or a new invention like that flying saucer.
I now know the difference between fact and opinion. A fact is something that's true no matter who says it. An opinion is something you think. I am learning a lot of facts. But on TV they only seem interested in opinions. Like, it was a fact that the boy was not in that stupid balloon. But everyone gave their opinion saying he was. I wonder how many time-outs he'll get.

I saw Barack Obama on 60 Minutes. Did he have any news? I couldn't tell.
The news around here is the baby. I didn't know that having a baby around was so hard. She cries all the time. And she eats a lot. That's it.
The baby cries so much that they had to turn on a hair dryer to calm her down. Have you ever heard of anything so silly?
It's a good thing I speak baby talk. I can tell my parents what Laurie wants.
But I'm not getting enough attention. I have to wait for things. I hate waiting.
Today I was told I have to stop all this and listen to mom and dad. "I will," I said. Then I started walking away. "At some point."

I heard about this 5-year-old girl who sung on America's Got Talent and is making an album. She's got a Twitter account. Should I get on Twitter? I've got a lot to say every day. Is the whole blogging thing getting old?
I was watching a news show and looking at the letters moving at the bottom of the screen. Why are they there? They were moving toward an arrow. It was a good game to follow them.
My new baby sister is cuter than me. But she doesn't seem that smart. All she does is sleep. I tried reading her a book and her eyes were closed during the whole thing. I can't believe it. Why is she so tired? She never does anything. We must take her to the doctor to figure out what's wrong with her, why she never wakes up.

It is so exciting to finally be a big sister! I got to see Laurie at the hospital. Okay, she doesn't look like much. And she doesn't do anything. She sleeps a lot, and cries. Can you imagine? It's kind of boring. It's three days already. I'm sure I was already doing things at that age.
Meanwhile, I now know the difference between facts and opinions. Facts are something that is true. Opinions are what you think. Of course, everything I think is true, so it isn't a problem for me. Ha ha. In my opinion I was a cuter baby than Laurie. Actually, that's a fact.

Everyone is talking about Ted Kennedy dying. I've been watching it on TV. I didn't know his brother was president. That must have been a long, long time ago. Very sad. A lot of famous people seem to be dying lately. I hope it's not contagious.
But mainly I'm excited about becoming a big sister. It's the day after tomorrow. That got me thinking about my very early days.
I remember the feeling when I was in my mommy's tummy and about to come out. I have a very good memory.
I was nervous inside because I didn't know the people I would meet.
But I already knew my parents' favorite colors. Because I was a smart kid.

I've decided to become a TV anchor

Well, Sonia Soda... I can never say her name right .... is going to be on the Supreme Court. Everyone says this is exciting because she's the first Hispanic. What is a Hispanic, anyway?
Yesterday I wrote down an 800 number I saw on TV. It was for something that could help your drain. I wasn't really sure what it did but it looked good. I gave it to my parents but they didn't seem to care. Big mistake. If they had seen the commercial they would know that they need this... thing.

Wait till you hear this one. My Grandma wrote me a letter. I got it in the mail. When I called her, she said I should get a stamp, write her back and it would take a few days for her to get it.
No, silly, I said, I'll e-mail you.
Nope. She said--I'm not making this up--she doesn't have a computer.
What?
I never heard of such a thing.
Isn't that like not having electricity or something?
We lost ours for awhile the other night. It was terrible. I couldn't e-mail anyone.

I never saw Walter Cronkite on TV, but everyone says he was great. I have seen a lot of him since he died. It must be from a long, long, long time ago. Everything is in black and white. Didn't people have any color then? They also show him when a rocket ship landed on the moon. That doesn't seem like such a big deal. And he didn't seem to know what to say. "Oh boy?" I could have thought of that!
I guess Cronkite wasn't as popular as Michael Jackson, though. People are still talking about Michael Jackson, and his doctor or something.
I still see Barack Obama on TV every day. That guy is everywhere. I even saw him pitching at a baseball game. He wasn't very good, you know.
I went bowling for the first time today. Duckpins are fun. You roll the ball, and this machine makes it come back to you! Also, I never got a gutter ball. Pretty good, huh?

The TV said today that Michael Jackson is dead. That's also what the TV said yesterday. And the day before. Was he president or something? I never heard his music. Well, I never heard his music until this week, when everyone keeps playing it. Why did he wear those strange outfits?
Just when I thought there would never be anything else on TV, Sarah Palin quit today. I couldn't understand why. Is she tired of her job? Is she tired of Alaska? And to think I wanted to support her for vice president because she had a baby. I don't even know what vice president does, but she seemed like she might be fun to have around. She sure didn't make any sense today. Is she like that guy Mark Sanford? Does she have a friend in Argentina? Where is Argentina, anyway?
I want to run for president. I will tell people to be smarter and read more newspapers. But I don't know how to make them do this.
I came up with a plan to kick the pacifier habit. I will have them warmed up, and then I won't want to use them, because I like them cold. And I'm going to start that right away. Um, soon.

I can't stay up late enough to watch David Letterman. But I keep hearing he told a very bad joke. About Sarah Palin's kid. Something about her getting knocked up. I don't know what that means. Is it like getting knocked out? Anyway, he was a bad boy and had to apologize. Maybe he even got a time out and no treats.
Meanwhile, the service around here isn't that good anymore. I asked mom to get me the remote and she said she was busy and I should get it myself. I was busy eating apples! Can you imagine?

Sorry I haven't been posting. Been watching YouTube instead. There is a lot of stuff on there! I like to watch the Disney movies. But a grownup has to tell me which ones have scary parts.
I saw Sasha and Malia on TV tonight. They live in a big house with a big backyard. They even have a cool swing set. But I don't know which one is which. I only know Barack Obama, and he's on all the time.
I may not be blogging but I've been busy asking questions. Like:
Where do all the mean people go after they die? I know they don't go to heaven.
Where did people go to the bathroom before toilets were invented?
It's hard to get answers to these things. The grownups seem confused.

My ears pop when we drive through the mountains. It's like being on a plane.
Oh, I'm out here in L.A. Don't know what's going on in the news. Don't care. I saw a bunch of horses walking down a mountain yesterday while we were having dinner at a restaurant. Right out the window. Right after my potty break. I am not making this up.
One day I would like to be a singer up on stage. And my band would play. I have always dreamed about that.

We found out today that I'm going to have a sister!!! I've been wondering what the baby would be. Good. Now I'll have another girl to boss around. And I have to make sure I still get all the attention. And that she doesn't take my toys. There's a boy at school who keeps knocking over my blocks. At least I know how to deal with girls.

Everyone's making a huge fuss over Obama's first 100 days. I don't remember anyone going ga-ga when I was 100 days old. I didn't even get any presents.
I like watching Obama's daughters and his dog. But the whole family is on TV all the time. Do they have their own show? Will it ever be canceled?
We hired a new nanny for when the baby comes. She's from a place called Brazil and is very nice. I'm glad someone will help with my new brother. Or sister. Because I still want to be the most special person in the family. Hear that, baby?

Take back those bonuses! We can't let them get away with this! It's an outrage!
Sorry, I've been watching too much TV. What is everyone so mad about? And what's an AIG? I guess some bad people got some extra money. I could use a piggy-bank bonus. I haven't gotten too many pennies lately because I've been, uh, bad.
The other day I was demolitioning the house. This caused a bit of a fuss. No one seems to mind when Bob the Builder does it. I was only taking out the white stuff between the bricks, anyway.
I guess there are going to be some changes around here when the baby arrives. I wonder if my parents will still help me open the garbage in the kitchen. I think they might be too busy.

The other day I was demolitioning the house. I was pounding away at the outside wall, just
like Bob the Builder.
My mom did not like that. I told her I was just taking out the white stuff between the bricks.
She said that could make the house fall down. So what? We could always buy another one.

Have you heard the news? I'm going to be a BIG SISTER!
It's very exciting.
I only had one request. If it's a boy, it can't be too wild.
Of course, the baby will have to learn that I'm in charge around here. No taking my toys or anything, unless I feel like sharing.
Well, that's the big headline around here. Now I'm going back on the computer.

Ahem. Ahem. That's the sound I make when I'm trying to get attention.
But I don't always want attention. That's why I drew a DO NOT ENTER sign and put it outside my door. My crayons are coming in pretty handy.
Big snow today, got to stay home from school, but no sledding.
I have my own e-mail account now. It's about time. Now I can send messages without anyone finding out.
I'm having trouble getting information these days. Like, I asked when the Earth was invented. No one had a good answer.
I just found out I'm going to be a flower girl in a wedding. Except that I'm not clear on what a flower girl does. I'd better find the right Web site. Man, this page is taking forever to load!

I wanted to read this book by Barack Obama. Dreams from my Father. My mom said it was too long. So what? I've got plenty of time. But there were no pictures.
The news is so silly. I keep learning people's names and then they disappear. The latest one is Judd Gregg. Then there was Tom Daschle and Bill Richardson. Barack liked them. They were all supposed to get important jobs, and then they didn't. Why should I bother any more? It's too much work when I could be watching or Handy Manny or Little Einsteins or Curious George. The other day George was recycling things that haven't even been used. That makes no sense.
I was sounding out the words in a book tonight and my mom couldn't believe it, especially when I did "often."
"Abby can do anything," my dad said.
"Can I jump up in the air and fly? Don’t think I can do that one," I said.
Parents. Sometimes they just don't get it.

I was going to live-blog the Obama inauguration but I had to go to the potty.
Why couldn’t everyone in the country go to this? No room? There were a lot of people on the National Mall.
Sasha was wearing my favorite colors, red and pink. She’s a big girl, 7 years old.
It was exciting to see Barack Obama. I wanted him to win, and he winned. I mean won.
Who was that preacher guy?
That woman who sang—Aretha?—had a really big hat. And it had a bow that was bigger than my hot chocolate.
I liked listening to Yo-Yo Ma. He had a big red violin. I’m not sure if I heard that song on Classical Baby.
When Obama came out, I opened a little birthday card that played Hail to the Chief along with the TV. I liked my version better.
Obama’s speech was long. A little too long for me. But I did see George Bush leave in the helicopter.
Sometimes black people were not treated so well. I guess that’s changing.
Obama signed some papers. Hey, he’s a lefty, just like me!
That’s my post. I’m ready for my second president.
Update: I saw Obama dance at the ball. He said he had cut his teeth on neighborhood work. Cut his teeth? That’s silly! How can you chew without teeth?

I made my debut as a TV reporter yesterday. Well, not really. But I made two videos at the Newseum. In one I was a weather-woman-person and in the other I was at a baseball game. I held the microphone really well. I wonder if I should send it out as an audition tape. Maybe some station is looking for young talent.
Meanwhile, it's 2009 already. I can't figure out why Barack Obama isn't president yet.

Santa brought me a present yesterday.
But I don't see how he got here since reindeer can't really fly. And Santa can't fly. So how does he visit everyone's house?
And why would Santa bring a present to someone who is Jewish? If you don't celebrate Christmas, how can you get a Christmas present? Why doesn't anyone ever explain these things?

I read a sentence aloud today. From the parental reaction, you'd have thought I had graduated college.
Here it is, when I was in the bookstore: "Courduroy has a picnic with 6 friends."
Oh, it was nothing.
Little do they know I've been secretly posting on this blog for years. You can't give all your secrets away.

Had my 4th BIRTHDAY party today. We painted pieces of pottery and ate bagels and cake. I am so much older now. When my parents asked if I needed help going to the potty, I said no way. I'm not 3 anymore! I can do it myself.
Maybe I need to change the name of this blog. Abby the Babyblogger now sounds too babyish. How about Abby, The Little Girl with Big Ideas?
I don't understand why Barack Obama isn't president yet. He won the election, didn't he? And I see him on TV every day. Maybe you have to be 5 to get it.

Now that Obama has won, I'm thinking about my own presidential run. I made a list. I promise that all children should have good toys. I promise that all children should have good books. They should also have good playgrounds. I have lots of other ideas, or my momm--my advisers do. Yes, I know I'm not old enough to run yet. But you have plan these things in advance. So remember: Abby in 2042!

I'm glad Barack Obama won. I like his name. And I finally know how to pronounce it. Everyone on TV looked so happy when he won. He will be my second president. You don't see Bush on TV much any more. I guess he's packing. I also like that Obama's girls are moving into the White House. One is only a little older than me. And I heard they're getting a dog. See, this will be fun.
I was getting tired of seeing all those maps anyway. What do the red and blue stand for again?
I play a lot of computer games now that I have my own laptop. It's almost as much fun as blogging. And all you have to do is click the mouse. So if you don't hear from me for awhile, you'll know where I am.

I saw Barack Obama and John McCain on TV yesterday. But it was just some kind of commercial. I guess there are no more debates. I got to stay up late to watch them. The whole thing will be over in two weeks. Then what will we do for fun? I'll have to go back to watching Noggin.
The candidates talk a lot. Some people say I talk too much. The other day my parents asked me if I wanted to rest my tongue. I said no. They asked if I wanted to rest my voice. I asked how you did that. By not talking for awhile, they said. But I always have something to say! I didn't take their advice.
The only thing worse than not being able to talk is when people don't listen. That happened at dinner tonight. I had to say, "Hello, I'm talking to you!" I mean, really.

Doggone it, that was fun watching the Sarah Palin debate. I have to give her a shout-out. Finally, someone who talks kinda like me, and with a higher voice! Although she didn't seem to know the answer to most of the questions. And what's with all the winking?
Today I found out what a practical joke is. Maybe I'll play a few. I'll add it to my collection of knock-knock jokes.
Did I tell you I got my own computer? Okay, it's an old one, but still. How many 3-year-olds have laptops? My dad told me he didn't have one when he was my age. He said they weren't invented yet. I'm not sure if he was joking.

Who on earth is Sarah Palin? Just back from vacation and she's everywhere. I thought it would be Romney or Pawlenty for sure. I'm not even sure I know where Alaska is. They don't teach map-reading at preschool. This Sarah woman had a big sitdown with Charlie. Everyone wants to know what she knows. I don't know what she knows, but it would be great to see a woman vice president--especially one with a baby. Finally, someone in the White House who understands the problems of people like me!
Oh, but then I heard that if anything happened to McCain, Sarah would be president. Maybe I'd better look into this a little more.
I'm tired of mom always trying to take pictures of me. I said no the other day at school. She insisted. So I told her: Just deal with it.

I keep seeing John Edwards saying he's sorry. Really, really sorry. He said his wife wasn't sick at the time but he's still sorry. What did he do? And why does he keep trying to look cuter than anyone in pre-school? Oh, and I keep seeing a picture of him holding a baby. It's not a very good picture or a very pretty baby. Is it his baby? What does "paternity" mean, anyway?
I drove a boat for the first time today. It was exciting! There were also dragons chasing us. I don't think they were real, though.

Every day I see Obama on TV in a new country. Afghanistan, Iraq, Jordan. Is he on vacation or something? Are Katie, Brian and Charlie going on vacation with him? Why does everyone keep talking about him?
I don't know whether to be for Obama or not. I like his name. My 4-year-old friend says she likes McCain because she saw a picture of him playing peekaboo. These are hard decisions. I'll have to find out where they stand on children's issues.
I keep having pee-pee problems. I haven't gotten a treat in two weeks because I keep wetting my diaper. I'd much rather keep playing. What's so great about being potty-trained anyway?
Meanwhile, Mommy wants me to cuddle in her bed every morning. What do I look like, a baby? I give her a stuffed animal instead.

Every time I look at the TV, the candidates are surrounded by flags. Is that because July 4th is coming up? Do they get to go to the fireworks? Or is there another reason.
I want to watch videos whenever I want. I want ice cream whenever I want. I don't want quiet time when I don't take a nap, and I'm pretty much getting out of the nap thing.
Don't tell anyone, but I decided I'm moving out. I need a new family that will let me do whatever I want. I told my old family I'm leaving and they can have a new baby instead. They seemed puzzled. I told them to just press the Again button--it's on the remote control, silly--and a new baby will come.

I'm sorry to hear about Tim Russert. I just missed watching him in the 2004 election because I was born three weeks too late. Too bad I won't get to watch him on this Election Night. Although it seems there have been a million election nights this year.
I asked yesterday why boys can't have babies. I was told that the mommy and the daddy have to get together somehow, but that only the mommy gets to have the baby in her tummy. I don't think I was getting the full story.
My mom was wearing some kind of lacy top tonight and she was really falling out of it. I had to tell her it wasn't much of a shirt. Am I going to have those when I grow up?

I remember Scott McClellan. He was the guy always talking to reporters at the White House when I was born. Nobody seemed to like him. At least, the reporters were always yelling at him. Then he went away. Now I guess he's written a book. And everyone seems to love him. Except the people at the White House. I wonder why. It must be a good book.
Did I ever tell you about my difficult babyhood? I had no parents. Life was hard because I had to fill up my own bottle but I didn't know how to do it. I couldn't call anyone for help because I didn't have a phone. I couldn't even watch TV because I didn't have a remote. Finally my parents decided to make me their daughter. Now I get to watch TV, listen to CDs and go to the Rocknoceros concert. A big improvement. Except that sometimes they tell me what to do. I don't like that part.

Well, I guess I won't be seeing a woman president during my...childhood. Everyone says Hillary is toast. She won Indiana but it wasn't enough. The TV people said she should just go away. Maybe it's not true that I can grow up to be president. At least if I don't learn how to be a good bowler. Maybe I should become a race car driver instead. Didn't a woman just win a big race?
I had my own milestone this week. I went to sleep with zero pacifiers. It only lasted a few days, but that's not bad, huh? I figure I better kick the habit if I want to go into politics.

I had my first run-in with the cops. It wasn't pretty. Good thing I didn't wind up in jail. All I did was press a button on the elevator in a shopping area. How was I supposed to know it said EMERGENCY? I'm still working on spelling cat and dog. So this policeman comes and wants to know who's commiting a crime. I told him I didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't even getting a time-out. I also said I was sorry. I think that's the only reason I didn't get arrested. Boy, I hope the police come this fast when there is someone being mean.

Hillary won Pennsylvania! Very exciting! But then everyone said she was going to lose. Now everyone seems down on Obama. Something about how he's no good at bowling and doesn't like to eat cheesesteaks. And the TV keeps showing this church guy shouting and using a bad word about America. I've decided politics is too hard to figure out. And this campaign has been going on for almost half my life.
I've got to make some money. I realized that it makes no sense to be giving away kisses for free. Why not charge? So I announced that kisses will now cost 4 dollars and 3 cents. I should be able to buy some nice stuff in no time.

Why does this Obama guy keep talking about people being bitter? What's he got to be bitter about? I thought he was beating Hillary. Now I'm bitter about lots of things. Having to take a nap. Having to go to bed when I DON'T WANT TO. Being bugged every five minutes about whether I have to go to the potty. What's so great about going to the potty, anyway?
I decided I'm going to save the pennies in my Pinnochio bank for a new TV. I don't like our old one. But it may take forever to have enough pennies, so I need to find a job. I'm good at taking care of the seeds in our backyard with my watering can. Someone should hire me as a gardener. Doing it all day might make me tired. But not so tired that I'll want to take a nap!

Live from D.C.

Maybe this blogging thing is getting a little old. I need my own radio show! Time to reach a bigger audience, and I've got plenty to say. I'm tired of being shushed. Give me a microphone and watch out! I've been practicing. I do commercials, too.
Went to the White House yesterday. Got a VIP ticket for the Easter egg roll. I have to say, it was overrated. There were long lines everywhere, and I did not get to see the president. But I did see Max of Max & Ruby, and I got a souvenir egg signed by Barney and some other dog. Nice backyard, I must say.

Time to Sound Off

Someone please tell me who Kristen is! I see pictures of her everyone. In some of them she's not wearing any clothes, not even a diaper. I don't allow any pictures when I'm naked and going in the bath. Is it different when you're grown up? Tihs guy named Spitzer had to quit because he was too friendly with Kristen. Now everyone is saying Spitzer is a bad guy. But they all seem to like Kristen. They say she charges a lot of money. For what? And what is a call girl? Someone who sits by the phone and waits for you to call? Sometimes understanding the news is harder than potty training.

Wait: I thought Hillary was out. Hillary is back in? What happened to Obama? I heard he had won 11 straight. In Candyland, when you win 11 straight you usually win. Everyone on TV was saying Hillary is a loser. Not any more? This is too hard to follow. And what is a superdelegate? Is it like Super Grover? No one ever explains the rules.
I'm still not getting enough privacy. The other day I was in my room when I was rudely told that I had to take a bath or I couldn't watch a video. I said, "I have to think about it. Scram!" They didn't appreciate my sounding like Oscar.

Busted! There I was in my room, with my door closed. Away from all the grownup talk or having to watch the news. Who wants to watch the news every day? And I had on my favorite CD--Alvin and the Chipmunks. And I was in my pink beanbag chair. And my eyes were closed. And I had my pacifier. Who walks in and spoils the moment but--mom! I know I'm not supposed to use the pacifier during the day, but this was just a quick break. I was so mad I felt like giving her a time out. Whatever happened to privacy?

Obama, Obama, Obama. That's all I hear about these days. He's always on the TV, even more than Blue's Clues. I never heard about this guy when I was born, back in 2004. How'd he get so famous?
Yesterday was Valentine's Day. What do you think I got? Chocolate, silly, and a cookie. I also made a valentine card. I am learning about exclamation points. They are fun! They are exciting!! I will use them in my blogging from now on!!!

What happened to Rudy? And John Edwards? And Fred Thompson? I was so used to seeing them on TV! And now there are only a few candidates left. The big issues, as far as I can tell, is whether Barack snubbed Hillary (I do that sometimes when I'm cranky), whether Barack is part of something called Camelot (apparently there's an old song that goes with it, and somebody named JFK), and whether Mac has been too mean to Mitt. It kind of sounds like the fights that break out on the playground.
We are close to something called Super Tuesday. Or Super Duper Tuesday, when they get extra excited. I don't know what makes it super, but everyone keeps talking about it. I'm just hoping it's a school holiday.
I want to blog about other news, but there doesn't seem to be any other news. Except a big football game on Sunday. Some kind of bowl. Ha, next thing you know they'll be calling that super too.

I saved the day today! No joke. I was strapped in my car seat when my mom got out and the car accidentally locked. What a crisis! What, I wondered, would Dora do in this situation? I had to think think think. I was able to reach the car keys that someone had brilliantly left on the seat next to me. I didn't know which button to push so I tried them all. You had to push hard. Finally I squeezed it hard enough and the doors unlocked. I'm thinking of selling the movie rights. What do you think?

I cry all the time. Like this: waaahhh! I cry when I'm told to get off the computer, I cry when I can't watch another video, I cry when it's time to go to bed, and sometimes I cry just because I feel like it. Nobody much likes it.
So how does Hillary win the New Hampshire primary after crying? Is it all right to cry because you're a grownup? She wasn't even yelling and weeping, the way I do. All she did was choke up and hold back her tears. And people felt sorry for her! Poor baby. Guess I don't quite get this running for president thing.

Who is Mike Huckabee? I never heard of the guy before. How did he win Iowa? I saw him on TV playing the guitar. Do you have to play a guitar to run for president? Is Hillary losing because she doesn't play anything and can't sing? I'm glad I don't have to go to Iowa. All the reporters look like they're shivering in al the snow.
This is my first post of 2008. I won't bore you with my lousy New Year's Eve, where I couldn't get anything stronger than chocolate milk. I guess I should start writing more about the campaign. Maybe it will boost my traffic.
I sang a song for my parents the other day. "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family..." They looked horrified. I don't get it. Doesn't everyone love Barney?

Uh-oh. Looks like I may have trouble getting into college. I'm failing in Advanced Scissors at preschool. How am I supposed to know how to cut things up? Certain people at home never bothered to buy me anything sharp. To make matters worse, this boy at recess keeps taking the bike that I wanted to ride. I was so mad. I may slug him. Then I might not graduate, and no college will take me.
Iowa, Iowa, Iowa. Why do I keep hearing about that place? Where is it, anyway? And what is a caw-cus? Nobody ever explains the things you hear on the news. And where am I supposed to get my toys now that all the ones from China are poisoned?

All right, boys and girls, raise your hand if you can name all the people running for president. (I've been spending a lot of time in preschool. It rubs off.) Let's see, there's Hillary, Rudy...Who's this new guy, Huckabee? I hear he lost 100 pounds. That'sore than I weigh! Now that I can eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, I hope I don't get that fat. Will people vote for you because you lose a lot of weight? I keep hearing people talking about this Kucinich guy and how he's got a beautiful wife.
Oh, and this Oprah thing. I've seen her show on TV. Now she's campaigning for another guy with a funny O name. How are we supposed to keep it all straight? Do people do whatever Oprah tells them to do, the way I have to listen to my teachers when they tell me I have to stop painting because it's circle time?

WHO, ME? I saw a book on Mommy's nightstand called The Difficult Child. I wonder who she's worried about. I did wail today because she wouldn't give me chocolate milk, but that doesn't make me difficult, does it? Hmm?

My third birthday party was a zoo. You probably think I'm exaggerating. There were plenty of kids and gronwups and bagels and I ate too much of my Dora the Explorer birthday cake. But that's not what I'm talking about. We had real animals. A man with a giant truck came with a pig, a llama and a small horse. Inside there were lots of bunny rabbits. And we got to pet them! I cried, though, when the rooster went cock-a-doodle-do. He would not be quiet. I went back in the house. Maybe it was a little too mucn excitement for me.
I wonder if there will be an article about this in the paper tomorrow.

I like the game of politics. I am going to run for president one day. In fact, I've been working on my platform. Apparently, you have to promise things to get people to vote for you. I promise to require all parents to spend money buying toys for their kids, and to give them cookies. They should be entitled to good books, like Danny and the Dinosaur and The Cat in the Hat. And everyone should be able to drive a car at the age of 5. This idea of waiting until you're 16 or 17 is old thinking, and I will speak for the new generation. Who else will look out for the interests of the pacifier population? Now if I can just get the grownups to lower the voting age...

In school I discovered a thing called a turntable. Have you ever heard of it? We put markers on it and it spins around. Then I came home and found that in the olden days people used them to play music. We even have these big round things in the basement called albums that have the songs on them. They are about the size of pizzas. I don't get it. Since you can't put them in the computer, how do you get them to download the songs you want?

I wanted to stay up last night to watch Saturday Night Live and see how Brian Williams did, but my parents thought it was too late. I never get to have any fun around here! I can never remember an anchorman hosting SNL in all the time I've been alive. Now I'll have to search for clips on YouTube.
The other big fight over here is over the poop wars. Apparently I'm expected to announce each time I have to go. How humiliating! Mostly I forget and say, "I made a mistake. I will tell you next time." This was not going over so well by the 175th time. But I'm too busy having fun to sit on a stupid old potty.

Who is this woman Ellen, and why is she blubbering about her dog? Waaaaah! They keep showing it over and over on TV. I mean, dogs are okay, but this lady sounds like me when I've gone too many hours without a pacifier. How did she get her own show, anyway? She was supposed to keep the dog and she gave it to some other family. She should be spanked.
I should report that I'm enjoying pre-school. But I only play with the girls. The boys are kind of clueless. I don't like to play with boys. The only boy I like playing with is Daddy.

I went to a bar last night. True story! I bet none of my friends have done that, and they're already 3.
Okay, they didn't let me drink anything stronger than water, even though it was in L.A., where Britney and Lindsay are always getting smashed. But I got to soak up the atmosphere. The grown-up conversation was boring, so I watched my Kipper video on a portable player. Now if I can only sneak back in here on my own, get some fake ID and...

Hahaha. How did that sound? Not too real? How about this: HAHAHAHAHA!
I've been, uh, practicing my laugh. Everyone on TV is talking about Hillary Clinton's laugh and whether it sounds too phony. I guess you can't be elected president without a good laugh. Listen to Elmo: Now that's genuine! So I'm practicing.
I'm also developing a fake laugh. I figure if I'm going to be a TV reporter, I need that when someone says something that's not really funny and you have to pretend. I'm very good at make-believe.
I wasn't laughing when I started pre-school. It was a little bit scary at first. Suddenly, I'm left to fend for myself with all these strangers? But it turns out I like school. You get to paint and play in the sandbox. So now it makes me smile.

I've decided I want to be on TV -- as reporter.
It doesn't look too hard.
And if that doesn't work out, maybe I'll try for the Cooking Channel.

No Child Left Behind finally includes me. Today was my first day of pre-school, and I did it all by myself. No parents around! I studied painting and advanced sand castle-building. I wonder if I got to go to school because of that law. Or maybe somebody was just trying to get me out of the house. The good news so far: No homework!

Whew! I got a little worried when I heard the Republicans want to ban marriage between people of the same sex. I didn't know there were all these rules. But luckily it won't affect me. I've decided to marry Daddy. He says we can't do that, but in the end he always does what I want. There's going to be a big wedding with lots of music, and we're going to dance. Congress can't outlaw that, right? Hmm. I wonder if we should have juice boxes with the cake.

Now Larry Craig isn't resigning? This is so confusing. He promised he would leave the Senate over his potty scandal. Maybe grownups get to play by different rules. Just today, I told my mom, "Sometimes a promise doesn't last very long." She said I was wrong. Apparently I had promised to go on the potty next time I needed to pee. Instead, I peed on the floor. Who remembers what I promised yesterday? Now I've got my own potty scandal. Maybe I'll just tell mom that I'm following the example of Larry Craig.

Who is this guy Larry Craig? I keep hearing about what he did on the potty. Something about tapping his foot and moving his hand. This doesn't seem to have come up in my potty training. No one said anything about keeping my feet wide apart. Besides, since Larry Craig was being good and using the potty, why is everyone saying he may have to leave the Senate?
You know that astronaut who drove 900 miles wearing a diaper? She now says she wasn't really wearing a diaper. I don't believe her. She's probably embarassed that she pooped in the thing.
I'm about to start pre-school, and my two teachers came over to visit yesterday. They seemed nice. I think I'd rather have them come here to play than my having to go sit in some dumb classroom.

I'm dying to find out who won the Iowa straw poll, but I'm traveling today and out of the loop. I really need my own cell phone so I can text my friends. (I can count to 20, so I should be able to hit the keys.) Actually, I don't care about the stupid straw poll but I'm curious about the fried Twinkies and other weird food you get to eat at these Iowa fairs.
Speaking of food, I gave up my high chair this week. The whole plastic-tray thing was getting a little old. I now sit at the table with the grownups -- even though they don't let me drink soda or eat fries like other big people. How long do they think I'm going to be happy with these little juice boxes?

Dora the Explorer! Elmo! Cookie Monster! Did you see all the toys that were recalled? 967,000 Mattel toys. I can't count that high -- I can get up to about 22 -- but it sounds like a lot. What kind of garbage is Mattel making? I'm taking my business elsewhere. I'd rather draw my own toys with my crayon box than play with dangerous stuff.
Meanwhile, I think I should get a driver's license. I mean, I couldn't drive any worse than Lindsay Lohan! I never drink anything stronger than apple juice. If I sit on a few phone books I can reach the wheel. Shouldn't it go by how responsible you are, not age? I even wear underwear -- uh, or would once I get out of diapers.

I've decided to become a talking head. After all, I spend all my time talking. How hard could it be? A little makeup, they give you a microphone, and you sound off. If I feel like throwing a tantrum they can always go to commercial. Besides, I'll be awesome with the younger demographic.

Did you see where Paris Hilton referred to being in jail as a "time out"? Is she really just a big baby? Then again, I felt sorry for her because I have been getting a lot of time outs. Every time I whine, cry or refuse to do something, it's off to my room! Can you imagine? Sometimes they even make me stay in the bathroom. Don't worry -- I'm saving it all for my tell-all memoir.
This was a big week for me because I got to meet Elmo. Got a big hug and everything, at Sesame Place. He didn't say anything, though. Not much personality. Maybe someone writes all those lines for him on television!

I went to the Lincoln Memorial today. There sure are a lot of steps to get up there. I think they should have a slide for coming down.

What's all the commotion about? Paris Hilton is out of jail? Paris Hilton is back in jail? Why can't they make up their minds? And who were all those rude men with cameras surrounding her car? They are in need of a serious time out. I don't know why I should care about any of this. She looks like a real airhead. When the judge sent Paris back to jail, she started crying, "Mommy! Mommy!" That's my line. It's okay to start sobbing when you're 2--I make it a daily practice when I don't get my way--but for a grownup? Pleeeeaze. Get that woman a pacifier!

Update: I just got a time out, but it was in room with a view of the beach, ocean and palm trees. So bleeahh!

I was chilling out in Santa Monica, trying to have some fun, but the people in the restaurant were soooo stuffy. When I started taking off my shirt, they acted like I had forgotten to use my bib or something. And Mommy didn't seem too pleased when I suggested that she should take off her shirt too.
Did you see this New York Times story about how some restaurants are trying to upgrade children's menus? That they don't just want to offer chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese? Now they want baked chicken with Asian-style citrus marinade and rice noodles? Well, they're not going to get my business. What's next--no juice boxes? If there's no mac and cheese, I'd rather stay home and eat string cheese.

"I have to go to the bathroom." You'd think I had announced that I discovered a cure for diaper rash. Everyone was so excited about my request. Apparently making pee-pee is a big deal for grownups.
Now that I'm 2 and a half, I think maybe I should drop the "Babyblogger" name. But Abby the Big-Girl Blogger doesn't have the same ring.
I see Rosie got kicked off The View for being a big mouth and arguing with that other woman. That is bad. She should use her inside voice. I wonder if she ever gets a time out.

Sorry that I haven't been posting. I've been playing with my imag-i-nary friend Woof. He keeps me very busy.
I can count from 1 to 10 in Spanish now. Everyone is very impressed, even though I learned it from a Sesame Street song. It's so easy to wow the grownups.

Grownups have such bad manners! I was in my high chair, with a plate of not-so-great food, listening to my Rocknosaurus tape, when I was told to eat some more. Humph! "I'm singing my songs," I said. "Or else I will spit. And get food on my shirt." Well, that showed them! Imagine asking me to sing and chew at the same time. I'm much better behaved than that.
Not only that, I wanted to watch the D.C. Madam on teevee, but they made me go to bed. I must get my own set.

You would think parents know how to speak properly, right? But when I say I falled down, they keep correcting me. Or when I say I waked up. This is silly that a 2-year-old has to tell them they're wrong.
I finally watched the end of Mary Poppins, where she flies away, and I did not cry. Crying is for babies.
I keep hearing on TV about the D.C. Madam and some list of men that she has. I wonder what she does for work. I hope I never get old enough to be called madam.

You should have seen me working this Georgetown book party. I went around looking cute, and all these big shots seemed happy to meet me (though they asked pretty dumb questions like, "How old are you?" You'd think authors could do better!) Anyway, we're talking George Stephanopoulos, Walter Isaacson, Sally Quinn, lots of movers and shakers. I was really starting to network, but then I was chewing on this carrot, and...I lost it. Barf city. All over the hostess's very expensive rug. Big rush to clean up the rug. (Hey, how about my feelings?) Anyway, that ended my big night out. I have a feeling I may not be invited back for 20 years or so.

What are ho's? I keep hearing that this guy Imus got suspended for calling women ho's. But nobody ever explains what that means. No wonder television can't get younger people to watch.

I keep seeing this guy Karl Rove acting like a rapper. Uh, he's really horrible. I can sing much better than that. Oscar the Grouch can sing better than that. When is someone going to invite me on TV?
I need to start asserting myself more around here. I told my dad he had a messy closet. And I've got a new favorite phrase: "I don't want to." Seems to annoy them when I say it 20 times in a row. Some days I'm refusing to take a nap. Who has the time? Wait till they find out that I'm giving the whole thing up. Then they might be doing the whining around here.

Everyone is saying that Alberto Gonzales should be fired. Apparently he fired a bunch of other people. Were they bad? Are they mad? Can you be fired for firing someone else? I hope I don't get fired when I get to kindergarten. I never heard of Gonzales before. Do you only get on TV when you do something bad?
But I've got much bigger news. I had my first haircut. It was fun. And a professional job, not like those homemade ones where you look like you had a bowl on your head. Now I look even cuter than before! Maybe I'll be able to go on TV soon and talk about being a blogger. Guess I'll have to leave my pacifier home for that.

Everyone is saying that Alberto Gonzales should be fired. Apparently he fired a bunch of other people. Were they bad? Are they mad? Can you be fired for firing someone else? I hope I don't get fired when I get to kindergarten. I never heard of Gonzales before. Do you only get on TV when you do something bad?
But I've got much bigger news. I had my first haircut. It was fun. And a professional job, not like those homemade ones where you look like you had a bowl on your head. Now I look even cuter than before! Maybe I'll be able to go on TV soon and talk about being a blogger. Guess I'll have to leave my pacifier home for that.

I've got a crush on someone. Don't tell anyone! He's a doctor. And he has great eyes. The only problem is that he's a little older. And, uh, he's my little friend's father. Do you think that's a problem? I have a stethoscope in my doctor's kit. I hope he'll use it on me.
Scooter Libby was convicted today. I watched the news so I know all about the case. He worked for Dick, and he told secrets to Judith, which he said he got from Tim, but Tim said no way, and anyway he looked guilty. Why else did he let his lawyer do all the talking at the microphones? I hope I never have to get a lawyer. I prefer doctors.
I went to my first art museum a little while ago. Called the National Gallery or something. The regular paintings were kind of boring, like old people sitting around with bowls of fruit. I liked the ones that were just a lot of splotches of paint. They looked like what I do at my easel in the basement.
Meanwhile, I keep hearing that I'm growing. I asked mom how tall I am and she said three feet. I laughed. Don't be silly, I told her. I only have two feet.

Enough about Anna Nicole already! Every time I turn on the TV there was this huuuge woman--nobody I know looked like that, even when I was breastfeeding--who wore these teensy outfits. I mean, I have dresses that are bigger than Anna Nicole's. From what I can tell she didn't have any actual talent. So why did everyone go bonkers over her? I hope I don't look like that when I grow up or I might fall over.
And what about that crazy woman astronaut? The one who drove across the country in a diaper? Why did everyone think that was so funny. I'd have to go pee-pee too if I took a 900-mile car ride. I don't understand the other stuff she had--what is pepper spray? I get mine from a shaker--but the diaper makes perfect sense.
Meanwhile, it's official: I've given up the bottle. They finally got the hint. I was only getting it at night, but when I basically stopped drinking the milk, I got my trusty sippy cup instead. I'm too old to be seen with a bottle. Besides, they make you burp. The next bottle I want, when I get a little older, is a beer bottle.

I am definitely getting a raw deal. Just look at what the New York Times says some kids are eating: "Hanna Mandel, 5, set to mixing yeast pebbles, sea salt and extra virgin olive oil into an artisanal dough, which she topped with mozzarella and a nutty, slightly stinky Gruyère before choosing a vegetable topping. As she kneaded, she talked about her No. 1 food, sushi, declaring, 'Seaweed is my favorite part.'" They even get to go to Mario Batali's restaurants.
Me? I get to order from the kids' menu at places where they give you crayons to draw on the paper sheet covering the table. Macaroni and cheese. Cheapo pizza. No Gruyere in sight! No dishes like they make on the Cooking Channel. No Mario. Maybe I'll go on a hunger strike.

Baby Einstein?? Did I hear that right? The president of the United States addresses the country and he's talking about one of my favorite videos? Maybe he forgot that kids my age can't vote. I don't know why he was honoring the woman who founded the company. Did Bush run out of other heroes? Will he have Elmo in the first lady's box next year and really go for the youth vote? The truth is, I didn't actually watch the speech. I was falling asleep in my crib--to my favorite Baby Einstein tape.

Boy, I showed my dad who's boss tonight. While I was TRAPPED in my high chair (after an awful meal of Tater Tots), I wanted to watch some food shows. But no! He said he had to watch Katie, Charlie and Brian. "My job is to watch the news," he said. How lame is that?
So I said, "My job is to watch the Cooking Channel." Ha! He didn't have an answer for that one.

I'm an expert on playgrounds. Swings, slides, you name it, I've done them. So I'm glad that New York, as the Times reports, is building a fancy new one with sandboxes featuring ropes and pulleys, wheelbarrows, milk crates and other strange stuff. I like to indulge my inner child, which in my case is the same as my outer child. But get a load of this: the kids will be guided by a staff of "play workers." I mean, really! I don't need some grownup telling me how to run around or build a sand castle. And we don't need to be putting these people on the government payroll, where my taxes--well, once I get a job--will pay their salary. This belongs in the Hall of Fame for dumb ideas.
I had my pink outfit on this morning--pink leotard, pink tights, pink shoes--and was all ready to go to dance class when my mom got worried that I might spill my yogurt on my clothes. How humiliating! I mean, I'm 2 already! But it gave me the idea for a title when I publish my collection of blog posts as a best-selling book: "Ballerina in a Bib." Watch for it on Amazon.

I was robbed again! Another New Year's Eve, and even though I'm twice as old as last year, I got taken out for another early dinner and they tried to buy me off with pizza. I didn't even get to look at the wine list. What's the drinking age in this state, anyway? And I know my mom had a beer in the afternoon, even though she didn't realize I could smell it on her breath. I was sent to bed after a Mary Poppins tape and couldn't even stay up till midnight to watch the ball drop. When do I get to have some fun?

I just watched the memorial service for Gerald Ford. He must have been president a long time ago. The only president I know is George Bush. I was born right after he was reelected. I didn't know there had been so many others. It already feels like Bush has been president forever. I wonder how old I'll have to be before he has to get another job. Anyway, there were lots of flags and cannons and speeches. But no commercials. I missed the commercials. I especially like the one with the duck, for Aflac or something.
There's another guy who died this week, James Brown. They keep showing him singing on TV and with really weird hair. He looks cooler than Ford.
I've been playing with my new oven every day. I think I'll be a chef when I grow up. That way I can make hot dogs and hamburgers all the time and put mustard on them and not have to eat all this healthy stuff that keeps showing up on my tray.

I've learned to appreciate the spirit of Hanukkah. And also the meaning of Christmas. (Well, to a point. I saw Santa at the mall and that guy with the long beard was scary! No way I was sitting on his lap.)
But after studying the menorah, the dreidels, the latkes, the Christmas trees and the fancy lights on the houses, I have discovered one very important lesson: You get lots of cool presents! Boy, am I raking it in. I've got a new oven with lots of food to go with it. My very own doctor's kit (I've learned to pronounce stethoscope). A bunch of new books about Danny and the Dinosaur and Harold and the Purple Crayon and Postman Pig. I've got new blocks for building tall things and--this is the best part--knocking them down. And new CDs. And a school bus that plays songs. And a Baby Elmo, with his own diaper. One of the best parts about being 2 is that people don't give you boring clothing that you have to pretend to like.

Did you see this story on the Wiggles? In the New York Times? On the front page? What, there was no news that day? Or maybe the paper is trying to appeal to 2-year-olds. Well, I'm 2, and I don't care that the lead singer is leaving. I mean, really. What's next, a profile of Barney? This group has no talent. They can't sing and they can't act. I was forced to watch their stupid show when I was 6 months old and too young to handle the remote. I still haven't gotten over it. I'm into real music these days, like the Meetles. I like Paul and John. The Wiggles can buzz off, and the New York Times needs to grow up.

I've been watching some football. What a crazy game. They throw the ball, I get it. They kick the ball, I get it. But why do they run around and then all fall down? It looks like when I play Ring Around the Rosie. Are they really just dancing?
I scored a big one tonight. My mom was eating some gloppy pasta dish in a restaurant when when she dropped a chunk of it on the table. "You should wear a bib," I said. Bam! I mean, why should I be the only one who has to wear this stupid piece of cloth around my neck? When grownups act like babies, they need a talking-to, don't you think?

Why does everyone keep talking about O.J.? Who is O.J., anyway? He sounds like a very bad man. Was he on trial for something a long time ago, before I was born? He was supposed to be on TV, now he's not going to be on TV. I guess his show got canceled.
What a great week for me. First I had my 2nd birthday party, with lots of presents and chocolate cake. I guess I'm no longer a babyblogger. I am a BIG GIRL now. I'm almost old enough to be a TV pundit. Maybe I'll have to change the name of this site to Abby the Veteran Washington Blogger. But that doesn't have the same ring. And then we had Thanksgiving dinner today and I got some pumpkin pie. I need more birthdays and holidays to keep this streak going.

I was WAY ahead of the news. I saw that Katie and Brian had big stories on Halloween -- how much money you can make from the costumes, or something like that. Well, I was already back from working the neighborhood in my butterfly get-up. Boy, putting on some wings and looking cute can get you a whole lot of candy! I was digging into my chocolate teddy grahams by the time the news came on, and I'm thinking, yeah, tell me something I don't know. This was much better than last Halloween. Maybe that's because I couldn't walk last time around.

Say it ain't so! Elmo...involved in drug smuggling? This is terrible. He's so cute and innocent. Well, I guess it wasn't his fault. It's the 21 guys who were arrested for smuggling illegal pills -- 4 million pills, I guess -- inside Elmo dolls. How low can you go? I hope this doesn't tarnish Elmo's image.
Meanwhile, I need my own computer, don't you think? I'm tired of waiting until the folks are done with their e-mail and whatever else they do. I'm a blogger. Maybe I should take up a collection from my loyal readers (hint).

What kind of naughty things did Mark Foley write? I never heard of the guy before. Why is it so bad for him to be writing to young boys? Everybody talks about it but nobody ever says what was in his e-mail. Something about asking a kid for a picture. Why didn't he just check out the guy on Facebook? Anyway, it must be pretty bad because he lost his job and all the other congressmen are saying they didn't know and had no idea. I'm going to start being more careful about my blog in case I ever try to get elected to something.
I flew to New York this weekend. Things got off to an exciting start when they announced the flight and I ran down the jetway, without my parents. A big man came and got me. Apparently I didn't have something called a boarding pass. I don't see what the fuss was about. Did they think I had a tube of killer toothpaste or something?
I got plenty of presents there, including a Mr. Potato Head. But he looks kind of dorky so I wouldn't be seen with him in public.

I went to a big-time Washington party last night. I figure it's never too early to start networking. But all those very important people were so boring, talking about housing prices and politics, so I scooted off and began running around the house while they were droning on in the backyard. The appetizers didn't look very good either, although I did manage to score a juice box. But it's all about connections here, and I think I got noticed--especially when I tripped on a step and had to be carried out crying. Making a dramatic exit is important, don't you think?

I've been watching New Katie on TV. But I must say I miss Bob. I mean, Bob always looks like he wants to bounce me on his knee or give me a cookie. They seem to let him on once in awhile. I'm not sure about this New Katie. (I call her that because my nanny is named Katie.) She seems to smile a lot. Is the news really that much fun?
Speaking of cookies, I made my first batch the other day. But the grownups made me share them with the other kids. Next time I'm hiding some in my crib.

Tom Cruise has been a bad boy? He lost his job? He can't make movies any more? I always thought there was something strange about that guy, even if Mission Impossible I and II were made before I was born. What did he do wrong? The TV keeps showing him jumping up and down on a couch. I do that all the time! Did he say some bad words, like Mel Gibson? What's with that silly-looking girlfriend of his, who's always gazing at him like he's a big shot? And who is the old guy running Paramount? Nobody ever explains these things. But everyone seems to be enjoying Tom's big time-out.
Meanwhile, I had an awesome time in New York. Although everyone wonders why I keep using that word. They think it belongs in the '80s. Duh! I wasn't around in the '80s, so it must be making a comeback. Anyway, I had a naked romp. (Aren't there always headlines in the supermarket about movie stars like Tom Cruise having a naked romp with some other movie star?) Well, mine was in a playground when the sprinklers went off. I didn't have a bathing suit, so I just ripped off the clothes, pushed down the old diaper and ran into the water. What? You find that shocking? Is it illegal or something? Hey, it was hot, and I didn't see any boys around.

It's enough to make me go through the Terrible Twos right now! Of all the names that Sesame Street could have picked for its stupid new character, why rip off mine? I like being the most famous Abby around, thanks to my blog. But now I'll be competing with this lamebrained Abby Cadabby. I mean, it's not even funny. I hope she gets bad ratings and winds up being canceled.
Meanwhile, people around here are surprised to hear me talking about e-mail. But what's the big deal? I watch a video where Elmo gets mail on his computer. If I can blog, how hard can it be to send some letters? I just hope I don't get any spam for sexy diapers and that kind of thing.
Some adults were surprised today when I kissed the boy who lives down the block. But don't tell anyone--I'm just leading him on! If he gets too fresh, I'll just send him an e-mail telling him it's over. Except he doesn't know many words and probably can't even use a computer!

All right, I'm a news junkie

I was attacked this week by a renegade rooster. Can you believe it? I was minding my own business, trying to feed the ducks at this little zoo, when this dumb animal snuck up behind me and started pecking away without so much as a cock a doodle doo! What was his problem? I will never trust roosters again, and maybe not chickens either. Does anyone know the name of a good lawyer?
Meanwhile, everyone is talking about Mel Gibson. Something about drinking--I don't know what, but it sounded stronger than milk--and driving too fast and something about Jews. I don't really get it, but who do these movie stars think they are? Oh, and he said something about owning Malibu. Well, I'm in Malibu right now and I don't see any signs showing that Mel runs the place. I just passed Moonshadows, where Mel drank whatever he was drinking, and it just looks like a shack along the ocean. I wanted to check it out, but apparently I'm not old enough. Why not? Don't they serve chocolate milk like every other place?

Yippee!! I finally got a link! I've been blogging since I was 5 months old, and now my words are being quoted on another Web site. And not just any Web site--it's the Columbia Journalism Review. Does that make me an expert? An expert on poop, I guess. But this could be the start of something big. Maybe I'll start popping up on Slate or the Huffington Post or Wonkette. Maybe Hotline will profile me, or I'll call in to some radio shows. (I guess I need to master complete sentences first. Or maybe not! Have you heard some of those shows?) Maybe I'll rise in the Google rankings for anyone searching for a babyblogger. And to think I owe it all to poop.

Poop?? That's the name of the new blog at the San Francisco Chronicle? That is really lame. I mean, it's written by a bunch of parents. I'm the expert on poop around here. Plus, if you want to know what appeals to babies, why not bring in someone from the right age group? I should be writing the scoop on poop! Don't they know about my blog? Maybe I need an agent.

This is my first Fourth of July where I actually got to stay up past 9 for the fireworks. (Last year I was still drooling and everything.) So we went out to look for some action and...nothing. We could hear some ka-boom noises, but that was it. So we had to come home and watch the fireworks on TV.
I also watched my first space shuttle launch today. There was a big countdown and then the rocket blasted off. It looked like more fun than being on a plane. I wonder how the food is on board and whether they get snacks. I wouldn't go anywhere without goldfish crackers.
Everyone got all excited today because I pointed to a pile of papers and said "news." I mean, really. Do they think I'm totally clueless? I need to know what's going on! How many times can you read Cat in the Hat?

So Star Jones got kicked off that girl gabfest? Isn't she the one who used to weigh, like, a thousand pounds? I always wondered how she lost all that weight. Now I hear Barbara is mad at Star and Star is mad at Barbara. Kind of like when another kid tries to take my toys away at the playground. At least it's on a level that I can understand.
I was going to blog last night but we lost all our power. Waaah! Maybe I should get one of those Blackberries so I can tap away in the dark. But I think my thumbs are too small.
I went to a neighborhood party tonight and met Elmo! A big, furry Elmo. Boy, was it exciting. Scooby Doo and Barney the Stupid Dinosaur were also there. But they all had really funny accents. I wonder what was up with that.

What? Four million bucks for the pictures of Brad and Angelina's baby with the silly name? What could People magazine be thinking? I wouldn't pay four dollars for those shots, if I had any money, that is. I am wayyy cuter. Maybe I'm making a mistake by posting my pictures on this blog for free. Maybe I should start charging so I can buy some new toys. Who cares about these celebrity brats anyway? Wouldn't people rather give their money to a cute toddler with more to say than just, hey, look at me, my parents are famous? If Shiloh ever does a blog, he'll probably have to hire a ghostwriter!

Are half the women in L.A. trying to look like Paris Hilton? I'm just back from the coast, and I saw one of them at the playground while I was trying to climb onto this big slide. Very short platinum hair, oversized sunglasses and jewelry, and she probably weighed as much as I do. I mean, don't these Hollywood harlots ever eat? (I'm not sure what harlot means but it doesn't sound good.)
I am now an expert on airline service. It is BAD. I felt like throwing one of my famous tantrums. First they lost my seat assignment -- what am I, too short for them to notice? Then the flight was four hours late, so we had to switch to another plane. Then these poopy-heads didn't put our luggage on the new plane, so we had to wait around for that. It was a four-pacifier ride. Now I'm back and sleeping very late, for some reason.

I was flipping through the channels today and couldn't find anything to watch except the Food Network. (All that chopping and mixing and frying was kind of interesting, but do you really think Rachael Ray makes those meals in 30 minutes? I wasn't born yesterday! Just 17 months ago.) So I was glad to see there's a new network coming called BabyTV. It's aimed at kids as young as 6 months (Blech! What do they know?) and up to 3 years. Well, it's about time! Who watches more TV than babies? I mean, we can't exactly curl up with a book unless it's got lots of pictures. So the newscasts trotted out the usual experts who said that watching TV is really bad for us younger-generation types. In that case, my brain must be fried! But I'll watch BabyTV anyway if I can steal the remote control, which also makes a pretty good teether.

Blogging Up a Storm

Why exactly did Scott McClellan get the boot? For saying the same things over and over again? (I do that all the time.) For being boring? (I used to watch his briefings before my naptime, to get me in the mood.) Maybe Bush didn't like him anymore? Is this like being voted off the island? Will Scottie ever be heard from again?
Meanwhile, I'm getting some bad press after going to a music class. When it was over, I went to two of the other kids and gave them big hugs. Now it was just a coincidence that those were the only boys in the class, and that I ignored the eight other girls. But the family gossips are blowing this up into some kind of romantic move on my part. Nothing could be further from the truth. I cannot comment on an internal personnel matter. I'll have to refer you to the Justice Department on that. (See, I've been watching a lot of briefings.) I may have to get my spokesman to put out a statement on this. The only problem: I don't have a spokesman. Uh, does anyone have a number for Scottie?

I've been watching the commercials more closely when the TV is on. Apparently, if I use one kind of soap, I can avoid cosmetic surgery. If I use Dove I can be a Real Woman, which seems to mean big. If I use Aveeno I can get some exfoliation. (That sounds kinda scary. Maybe I'll stick with bubble baths.) If I take Lipitor I can avoid heart problems. If I color my hair, I can look like Sarah Jessica Parker. (I don't think I have enough hair to make it worthwhile.) If I take Nasonex...I don't know, they have a cute bee who buzzes around but I don't know what it does. How do grownups afford all this stuff?
Everyone's talking about whether Don Rumsfeld should resign. Apparently he messed up a war or something. Doesn't that at least deserve a time out? And why are all these generals criticizing him? Was he mean to them? He keeps saying things like "golly" and "goodness gracious." Do all adults talk like that?

I was so riveted by the news that I stopped eating my vegetables. I just sat there in the high chair and watched. The Hammer is quitting! Bam! But no one ever explained why they call him that. Does he like to pound people? What exactly did he do wrong? And who is this Hardball guy who was interviewing Tom DeLay? Is he a baseball pitcher? Boy, this is more interesting than peas and carrots.
And what's all this talk about Katie Couric? A woman is going to deliver the news? Hello? I've only been around 16 months, but I've seen lots of women deliver the news. They all seem to use a lot of hair spray. So why is Katie going to make so much more money? Does it have anything to do with being..what was that word they kept using...perky? Maybe I should start working on my perkiness, in between my temper tantrums.

I'm in big trouble. The American Academy of Pediatrics says children under 2 aren't supposed to watch TV. That's what this Washington Post story says. It's supposed to fry our brains or something. So they're whining over some new DVDs featuring Elmo, Big Bird and Cookie Monster aimed at my demographic. I think these doctors are nuts. As a certified Elmoholic, I see nothing wrong with planting myself in front of the set. There's even stuff with letters and numbers to force you to learn. If I couldn't watch videos, I'd spend even more time running around the house, throwing temper tantrums, bumping into things and falling. Isn't that dangerous too? Let one of these big-shot pediatricians come over my house and try to take care of me for a week. Within two days, he'd have me in front of the set and be begging me to watch some TV.
Meanwhile, tennis is my new game. I ran onto the court one day and the guy gave me a racket and I learned how to hit the ball. Then he gave me a baby racket. I hear there's big money in tennis for young girls. All I have to do is work on my backhand.

My name is Abby and I am an Elmoholic. I admit it. I have a problem. When I get in my high chair for breakfast, I must listen to Elmo music. When I go to bed at night, I must watch Elmo videos. I walk around putting Elmo stickers on things. I dance with my Hokey-Pokey Elmo doll. If I see anyone on the computer, I whine (in my lovable fashion) until they let me play Elmo games. He's red, furry and irresistible. It's Elmo's World and the rest of us just live in it. Maybe I should join a support group. Maybe I need a 12-step program. Does anyone else have this problem?

Now this takes the cake. The New York Times has this story about a guy who went to Yale and Harvard who's having trouble writing a little essay for his 18-month-old twins. This dumb grownup wrote about the boy: "He is happy to point out all his body parts when asked." (Spare me.) This is all about trying to get them into some fancy-pants preschool. My parents will never have that problem. All they have to do is submit my blog! Those schools will be banging on the door trying to recruit me.
Meanwhile, I've been practicing my jumping. This seems to produce great laughter all around. I guess because I don't get very far off the ground. Okay, I don't get off the ground at all. Somebody even muttered that "white babies can't jump." Well, I'll show them. I'll keep practicing until I can jump out the door and they have to chase me.

Just got back from New York and boy did I have a great time. The family kept trying to interest me in some green statue holding up a torch outside the hotel window, but that didn't do much for me. I got to go on the escalator--up and down, at least 50 times. And they don't even charge for the ride! Now that was fun. There were also presents. Well, I deserve it, since I have to provide the entertainment at every family gathering. And I got to listen to all kinds of rock and roll on the car ride back. So much better than the kiddie stuff they usually play for me.
I see they're having a big Mardi Gras party down in New Orleans. Sign me up! Do they let babies in? What happened to all the flooding? And why are people dressing up in costumes if most of the place has been drowned? Maybe I'll just stay home, where it's dry.

How come Dick Cheney is allowed to play with a real gun and then shoot some poor guy? My parents don't even let me wield a sharp pencil. Will they take Cheney's gun away now? Are the birds safe? Did he get a time out?
Meanwhile, what would America do without all these Elmo products? I just got a pair of shiny white Elmo shoes to go with my Elmo diapers, Elmo books, Elmo videos and Elmo stickers. Do you think Elmo gets rich from all this stuff? Or does he have to give some of it to his agent?

What's so super about the Super Bowl? A bunch of guys running up and down the field, back and forth, back and forth. I don't get it. I see occasionally they kick the ball, the way I kick my beach ball around the house. And I like the guy with the whistle--I blow one too, you know, until it drives everyone crazy.
And who were those really, really old musicians singing at halftime? They were called the Stoned or something? They looked like they needed rocking chairs.
The only thing good about the game is watching the commercials, although my parents turned off the sound for one where a woman was--well, I'm not sure what she was doing, but it looked interesting.
I guess soccer is my game. I tried playing basketball the other day, and when someone shot the thing it bounced back and bopped me on the head. Why do they make those balls so big, anyway? I could have a very nice lawsuit on my hands.

Why is everyone mad at Oprah? Because she read a book and didn't know it was bad? You should see the books I have read to me! I think some of them are made up too. A giant red dog, cows that type, a curious monkey who flies through the air with balloons--even I'm not buying some of this hogwash. Why isn't Oprah denouncing those books, too? Maybe I should get my own television show and appeal to a younger audience.
Meanwhile, it's official: I've given up my second nap. I'm thinking of giving up the first one, too. I mean, who has the time? I'd rather be rockin' and rollin', or at least bloggin'. I've heard accusations that I'm cranky when I don't nap enough. But that's...total fiction. WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING CRANKY ANYWAY?? Huh???

Luke must think he's hot stuff. He's 22 months old and has two Web sites, one of them called lukeseelye.com, according to this New York Times story. Well, I'm not impressed. For one thing, his dad bought up the Web name. And his parents post everything on these sites. What a weenie this kid must be! They're just using him, probably to put up a bunch of stupid baby pictures. For your information, Mr. Lukeseelye.com, I do all my own blogging. And the story boasts that he "knows his animals." Well, so do I, and I'm just 13 months. Moo, Meow, Woof, I've got them all covered. And I'm so much younger. So how come the New York Times isn't writing up Abby the Babyblogger? I'm with the Seattle woman who questioned why these parents were buying up e-mail addresses for babies that are barely out of the womb. "That's like getting e-mail for your dog," she said. I agree. Woof!

I turned on the TV yesterday and the Alito hearings were on. Honest. So I decided to check it out. I almost took a premature nap. These senators are better at whining than I am! And why was the judge's wife crying? Was someone a meanie to her? I quickly switched to Elmo instead.

Blogging has been light. The reason is Elmo. I've got a new Elmo tape and I now spend six or seven hours a day watching it, or demanding to watch it. Finally, I get some control of the programming around here. Instead of having to watch some stupid football game, or dumb newscast, or today's hearings on Sam Alito -- more boring than being stuck in a sandbox with no pail and shovel -- I insist on watching the red one. I have found that simply repeating his name over and over is a very effective lobbying device. And Elmo is plenty smart. He can even count to 10!
Update: I just learned to turn on the TV by myself. There was a guy named Montel Williams interviewing a stripper. Whoa! I'm not sure what a stripper is, but maybe there's more to life than Elmo.