Sour Moment

Why did my dining companions think this was so funny? Doesn't everyone like pickles??

We had no power last night. A little rain and--poof! The lights are out. What kind of Third World city is this? I couldn't watch my Baby Einstein video or listen to my kids-songs CD or even have my applesauce microwaved. And no blogging, either. Waaah! And did I mention it was HOT? Shedding everything but my diaper doesn't help much when it's 98 degrees. Whose idea was it to locate the capital in this humid swamp, anyway? And how important do you have to be to get your electricity turned back on? I bet this never happens at the White House.

What is this Federalist Society? Do they have parties? Or secret handshakes? And why is it a bad thing for John Roberts to have belonged? How is a baby supposed to make up her mind when no one explains these things?
Anyway, it's too hot to worry about this stuff. It is scorching, and that makes me very cranky. In my whole life it's never been this hot (of course, this is my first July). Too hot even for the playground. Why don't they make air-conditioned strollers? I came out of the womb for this? No wonder those astronauts blasted off today--it must be cooler up in the sky!

I feel robbed! I thought the court was supposed to get another woman! Weren't the TV guys talking about Edith something-or-other all day? Didn't Laura Bush say she wanted a babe? Instead, we get an eighth man to go with Ruth Baby Ginsburg? I feel so...underrepresented.
My latest accomplishment is to crawl up the stairs. I've made it to the third step. At this point the grownups usually go bonkers, especially when I try to stand up. What do they think, I'm going to slide down and land on my tush? They're soooo overprotective. Don't they know babies are indestructible?
Update: I see Sandra Day O'Connor has taken note that the new guy just adds to the testosterone on the court: "He's good in every way, except he's not a woman." Go sister! She seems to have made this comment while fly-fishing. Who holds a news conference while fly-fishing? What is fly-fishing, anyway? I wouldn't have the patience to stand in the water all day waiting for fish. I pound on the high chair if I'm not fed right away!

Do I look like a terrorist? I mean, just look at that picture of me. But it turns out I can't leave the country without a passport. (Shouldn't you have to be able to walk before you can pose a threat? I can crawl pretty fast, but still...).
And trying to get a passport was enough to make me wail. First the woman at the passport office said she would "prefer" if I got my little 2x2 picture taken elsewhere. (We said we'd prefer that she do her job.) I didn't even cry during the shoot. Then, although we'd called with questions in advance, the form we filled out was rejected because the parental signature is supposed to be notarized. I didn't even know what that meant. The form says nothing about being notarized. The woman didn't even know where the notary stamp should go. So that means another visit. I have better things to do, like devouring books (literally). Is this why people hate dealing with government bureaucracy? Looks like I'm getting the lesson at a very young age.

So: Did Karl leak to Matt to get even with Joe by dissing Valerie, and if so who leaked to Judy, and why did Pat send her to jail, and how come Bob isn't in trouble for starting the whole thing? This is all too much for my baby brain.
Instead, I went swimming this weekend. The baby pool is where all the action is, and no one seems to notice if you steal their toys. The only bad part is when the big pool closes down for adult swim and the mean 6-year-old boys invade our space and splash everyone and fight with each other using those big plastic rods. What losers! I would bite them, except I only have half a tooth.

JULY 4
What's up with Sandra Day O'Connor quitting? She's got a lifetime job, gets to wear those cool black robes and everyone has to listen to her opinions. I try to get everyone to listen to my opinions, but they just pat me on the head. And why were only two of the justices women, anyway? Am I missing something here? Just back from a great road trip. Got to try my first morsels of pizza and Italian ices. I learned that if Iook really pouty and stare at the person eating, they'll feel guilty and give me a taste. Sure beats all that strained applesauce!
ABBY (7 months)

JUNE 26
I was on the rug playing with the remote control while Rummy was ducking all those questions about Iraq on Meet the Press. When Bono came on and started talking about children in poverty, I jammed the volume button way up. At least that guy was making sense. My parents thought this was a hilarious accident. Little do they know I've seized control of the TV. Bwahahaha!

JUNE 25
Had my first photo shoot today. The grownups kept making stupid faces to try to get me to smile. It was much more fun to keep squirming. How happy can you look sitting out there in the 90-degree heat? Am I just supposed to fake it? Then mom took off my clothes for some naked shots. What am I, future Playboy material? I don't recall signing any consent forms. I got even by peeing on her shirt.

JUNE 21
Aruba, Aruba, Aruba! Every time I look at the TV there's another anchor blubbering about a missing young woman! Why aren't there more stories about the problems facing babies? What, are we outside the desired demographic? We may not have credit cards but we're very good at getting mom and dad to buy stuff. You should see my stuffed animal collection! This is no way for the networks to treat the viewers of tomorrow.

JUNE 19
Just got back from New York. I learned a few new words there: Fugghedaboudit! WhatChooLookinAt? GetOuttaMyFace! And a few I think I'm not supposed to repeat in front of mom and dad. I almost used my new vocabulary when cars kept cutting off my stroller (why is everyone in such a !##@&! hurry?) Instead I just stuck out my tongue.

JUNE 13
What's with these Jacko jurors? I could tell the first time I saw Michael Jackson on TV that he was guilty--of something. Do you think my parents would let me sleep over at that raunchy ranch? Do you think I would want that man changing my diapers? I mean, just look at him. He's admitted to sharing his bed with young boys. Eewwww! That doesn't mean he's guilty, but no child in his right mind should go to that Never-Neverland place. I hope this means I don't have to hear any more of his music.
On a brighter note, I started Stage 2 foods today. Got pears with blueberries, but it tasted like the same slop. I guess the trick is that rather than just calling it "applesauce" they now have upscale names like "essence of apple with plum notes" or "California mango melange." Do grownups really fall for that?

JUNE 2
I'm doing L.A. this week. The trip got off to a bad start when United wouldn't let me pre-board. Something about waiting until my "section" was called. Waaah! Don't you think airline officials who refuse to let cranky babies board first should be punished?
I could get used to the lifestyle. Does everyone here have a backyard jacuzzi? I saw Martin Sheen walking down the street in Malibu. He didn't look very presidential. I was going to wave from my stroller but I guess movie stars like to be left alone. Hit the beach for the first time. The sand got in my mouth when I gave the old fingers a taste. I think the beach is overrated. Deep Throat seems to be the big story on TV. I've been waiting my whole life--six months--to find out who that guy was! And did you see those houses that fell down a cliff in Laguna Beach? Even I would know not to build a house on a muddy hill, and I'm not even playing with Legos yet

MAY 27
They keep playing this Paris Hilton ad on TV. I cry whenever it comes on. What's with this woman? I know babies who weigh more without a diaper than she does. And if she's dirty, why doesn't she take a bath like I do, instead of getting all that soap on her while she's washing a car? And what does any of this have to do with a hamburger? Even if I could eat meat I wouldn't believe that this anorexic babe scarfs burgers. And why do the people on TV keep saying the commerical is really really awful and then keep playing it? I'd rather watch my Baby Einstein video.

MAY 26
I hear all this whining about Senate filibusters and it just sounds like babble. These senatorsare fighting for the right to stay up all night and sound off? I do that now and nobody makes a fuss about it. I can even go nuclear, according tomy parents. Some of these senators look really cranky. I think they need a nap. By the way, did you see that picture of President Bush kissing a baby onthe front page of the New York Times and Washington Post? I'm wayyyy cuter than that. Why haven't I gotten a White House invite? Iheard it was a frozen-embryo baby. But does the president want to be discriminating against Naturally-Born Americans? Or blogging babies?

MAY 25
To that special guest at my first-ever party: Your fingers tasted lovely, better than the rest. Observing Washington life in the arms of varied Washington journalists, activists and wonks was exciting for me. Right now I am trying to figure out the most fun for my requisite youthful indiscretion that I will deeply regret 30 years from now. Thanks for giving me my first networking opportunity. I will be in touch. Someday when I have teeth, maybe we can do lunch.
ABBY (5 months)