Tom Cruise has been a bad boy? He lost his job? He can't make movies any more? I always thought there was something strange about that guy, even if Mission Impossible I and II were made before I was born. What did he do wrong? The TV keeps showing him jumping up and down on a couch. I do that all the time! Did he say some bad words, like Mel Gibson? What's with that silly-looking girlfriend of his, who's always gazing at him like he's a big shot? And who is the old guy running Paramount? Nobody ever explains these things. But everyone seems to be enjoying Tom's big time-out.
Meanwhile, I had an awesome time in New York. Although everyone wonders why I keep using that word. They think it belongs in the '80s. Duh! I wasn't around in the '80s, so it must be making a comeback. Anyway, I had a naked romp. (Aren't there always headlines in the supermarket about movie stars like Tom Cruise having a naked romp with some other movie star?) Well, mine was in a playground when the sprinklers went off. I didn't have a bathing suit, so I just ripped off the clothes, pushed down the old diaper and ran into the water. What? You find that shocking? Is it illegal or something? Hey, it was hot, and I didn't see any boys around.

It's enough to make me go through the Terrible Twos right now! Of all the names that Sesame Street could have picked for its stupid new character, why rip off mine? I like being the most famous Abby around, thanks to my blog. But now I'll be competing with this lamebrained Abby Cadabby. I mean, it's not even funny. I hope she gets bad ratings and winds up being canceled.
Meanwhile, people around here are surprised to hear me talking about e-mail. But what's the big deal? I watch a video where Elmo gets mail on his computer. If I can blog, how hard can it be to send some letters? I just hope I don't get any spam for sexy diapers and that kind of thing.
Some adults were surprised today when I kissed the boy who lives down the block. But don't tell anyone--I'm just leading him on! If he gets too fresh, I'll just send him an e-mail telling him it's over. Except he doesn't know many words and probably can't even use a computer!

All right, I'm a news junkie

I was attacked this week by a renegade rooster. Can you believe it? I was minding my own business, trying to feed the ducks at this little zoo, when this dumb animal snuck up behind me and started pecking away without so much as a cock a doodle doo! What was his problem? I will never trust roosters again, and maybe not chickens either. Does anyone know the name of a good lawyer?
Meanwhile, everyone is talking about Mel Gibson. Something about drinking--I don't know what, but it sounded stronger than milk--and driving too fast and something about Jews. I don't really get it, but who do these movie stars think they are? Oh, and he said something about owning Malibu. Well, I'm in Malibu right now and I don't see any signs showing that Mel runs the place. I just passed Moonshadows, where Mel drank whatever he was drinking, and it just looks like a shack along the ocean. I wanted to check it out, but apparently I'm not old enough. Why not? Don't they serve chocolate milk like every other place?